I look so sexy tonight; that’s strange because I’ve never felt sexy. Not when I was a supposedly cool and svelte graduate in my early twenties that everyone wanted to date. Not when I would go out and be stared at by people I didn’t know and especially not when, like tonight, I looked at my naked body in the mirror. Tonight I look in the mirror and I feel sexy. A kind of powerful glow that isn’t about strangers looking or what my friends think, it’s about what turned out to be right for me.
It started out innocently enough. Me and my boyfriend and a mutual friend went out on a Monday afternoon for a few drinks. We’re all independent arty types and get a bit of a thrill partying when everyone else is tucked away in offices. None of us had ever been part of “the norm”.
That afternoon was when it really started, long before anything in the bedroom. We were all looking at each other, checking each other out. There was none of that jealousy you get when your partner looks at someone else or the anger they feel when someone looks at you. That in itself was exciting and refreshing, we had something the rest of the world didn’t have.
We walked back to our friend’s house and laid down in bed. There was a moment where everything was silly and joking as though no-one knew if we were really going to do it or not. Somehow I felt more comfortable than ever before. Somehow the feeling was so good that all my usual “girl worries” about physical imperfections went away. Somehow it really didn’t matter anymore; I was sexy and I knew it.
Everything was very hesitant at first; touching for the first time, touching for the first time in front of someone else, with someone else. But it felt right, it felt amazing. It made me realize that sex before that day had never been right for me. I’d listened to my friend’s tales of erotic wonder and vaguely nodded along. Until then for me sex was really just a mystery, something everyone else enjoyed. Every touch, word and feeling was amplified. Before sex was like a whisper, a promise of something that was possible. This was like a wave crashing over me.
After that first day where we had what I suppose is called a threesome, I thought maybe things would be awkward for a bit and then we’d go back to the way things were; a couple and a friend. But then it happened again, and again, and then we went on a trip together and it happened all the time. That feeling of being sexy and in the right place doing what turns me on for real and not just because everyone else does the same thing hasn’t gone away.
For so many people sex is mediocre and awkward; a reason to be unhappy about how they look and how their body and relationship compares to what society says is normal. If you follow your fantasies and dare to act them out you might just bump into who you really are. You might really like that person too.
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